Monday, November 21, 2011

A Break Down of Breaking Dawn the movie part 1

Here goes nothing My Movie Review for Breaking Dawn Part 1
Where: Williamsburg, Va (wknd w/ SIL)
When: Saturday 11/19 10:30pm
Who: SIL wanted to go with me since I know the Saga. SIL has only read Twilight, and watched the first 3 movies
Other: only 20 other people in the theatre (I counted)
I am 3 beers and one shot in, have a sweet buzz going on, (review subject to change when i see it sober)
I totally took notes as I watched the movie
My SIL's comments were as funny as the movie so I will have to include them.

  • Wedding Invites go out: Renee had no idea about the wedding until she got the invite? I thought Bella's mom was her bff4eva? Poor Jacob, I was sad for him also...he is so upset he must....... run....shirtless in the rain....... and wolf out.
  • 1st Bella scene her walking in the the fuck is that going to work on the grass? Those skinny heels will be sinking into the ground.  
  • Bella has a wrist brace on ?
  • i like Alice's hair
  • Bella/KS teeth were a huge distraction the whole movie and I know why....she borrowed Taylor's teeth whitening system...they were so white, and out of place it made them look extra huge....
  • Bella's bedroom: why is there a painting of a dog on her night stand? Will she be taking the Wolf painting with her, to put in her & Edward's house?
  • In comes Edward to say goodnight.."oh by the way Bella, before we get married in a few hours, even though I've had years to tell you the details, I need you to know I killed people, allot of people, they were bad, but I'm still a killer and it was wrong. Bella: "Oh no worries Edward you killed people? I already knew that, remember you told me in the first movie? They were bad people so what eva I need to get laid so Ill pretend that this is a convo about socks, disregard it and still marry you. Edward : /
  • Nightmare- The wedding dress, sans the blood, and the suit Edward wore were soooo much better than the actual
  • Wedding day: The graduation caps made me giggle- but it was visibly different than the one hanging in Twilight.
  • mom and dad give Bella they beautiful comb for her hair....DONT FORGET TO PURCHSE YOUR COMB AT HOT TOPIC FOR 29.00
  • Chuck's (Charlie) bow tie was huge a clown size. Chuck was great
  • Bella walking down the isle.... SIL: "Whats wrong with her?" Me: "I think she has to poop" OMG that scene was horrible, KS did a shit (no pun) job on facials....she seriously looked like her irritable bowl syndrome was acting up
  • WTF is wrong with Edwards hair? Makeup? Suit? it was just not good at all.
  • Bella's i said, i liked the dress in the dream...this one was just...I liked the shape of it, the material, but I did not like the sleeves, the front, the back reminded me of something an Ice Skater would wear.
  • Carlizzle, what did they do to you?
  • Jasper, stick removal, still looks like you have a stick up your B-hole
  • The vows... Edward should have told her "in sickness and in teeth" because her teeth were BA-BAM there
  • The wedding kiss. Ummmm really? Did the audio need to be so loud? Their kiss sounded like my dog cleaning her i wanted to gag.
  • The wedding singer & band looked like the Mumford and Sons who didn't have access to razors..ever
  • Wedding Speeches: Chuck was Epic and so true.....Emmett funny as usual, Renee? was she drunk? He hair was a mess, it was funny. Jessica was good also. Then Edward's speech...he seemed drunk is wrong with Edward's hair at the reception??
  • The Alaska was up with their eyes? They were creepy as fuck and so out of place.
  • Poor Jacob, it sucked that Bella was more happy to see Jacob then she was during the whole reception.(KS has chemistry with Taylor, not Rob period)  SIL about Taycob: "ohh he looks like he smells good, like he is just a good smelling man". Me: "Yes and I love the scruff"
  • I liked the twilight score from the 1st movie playing in the back ground
  • Leaving for the honeymoon a few things: Bella has no issues in heels now? Renee is a drunk mama and her hair just kills me. Chuck just needs a hug guys! Then I think that Bella's irritable bowl syndrome is coming back...i mean she looked like she has 2nd thoughts on this was your idea Bella! Suck it up bitch!
  • Then you hear Jacob howling in the woods as they are driving to the airport....awkward
  • If you didn't read the book you don't really know they are going to Isle think they are in Rio the whole time (did they mention this in the movie?)
  • During Bella's human minute (hour): why so nervous Bella? It was you who wanted to get your bang on for a while now, don't be scared now..and why are you shaving?
  • Me: Can they do it already, I have got to pee!
  • SIL: OMG: why are they swimming first I have got to pee!!
  • Sex scene...... Broken headboard....SIL "Woah...what the hell?!"
  • End Sex scene. SIL "That was it?"
  • Wake up to destruction.... Our reactions: ummm .... wow wtf? a bit dramatic for 2 virgins?
  • SIL "why are there feathers all over?" Me: "Apparently Edward is a Pillow Biter" SIL- : /
  • Bathroom scene..I like the flash backs Bella is having thinking of the sex...that is very realistic. Then Bella and Edward sees the bruises...Bella is all I'm ok... SIL says Bella is in pain denial. Edward is OMG I'm a Monster...then leaves her standing in the bathroom.....Good one Edward...Bang her and Bruise her then leave her....
  • We see Bella putting on the nightie trying to be sexy... Edward is all HAA HAA HAA HAA NO BITCH..... (even though that was a funny reaction) Edward is totes dissing his lady love like a college student.....
  • BATHROOM BREAK FOR ME AND SIL..........................
  • The room cleaners are funny...the cleaning guy is like wow these dirty fuckers..peace out
  • Edward speaking another language is HOT
  • Bella cooks some chicken....gets sick.....sees tampons......(btw I was looking for Ellen in the bath tub) how long has it been Bella asks...14 days.....oh shit I'm preggers....this is figured out in what 1 minute ? ummmm that is believable...rolls eyes..... SIL "what the hell is this all about?"
  • Did someone watch True Blood between Eclipse & BD....because all of a sudden the Vampire Speed is different...again
  • Edward: Were leaving...and you're not having the thing..... Bella...Fuck you....
  • Car ride to the airport Me: What did Edward just say to Bella? SIL: Bella you're a dirty whore
  • Back home: SIL "damn how long has it been? why is she so big?"
  • Jacob sees Bella and says his famous words to Edward " YOU DID THIS" Hey Jake it takes two to tango, and your sweet little Bella had plans of her own......
  • Jake sees her and is like well Peace out Bitch....let me know when she dies Edward..ok bye
  • Question: Where is the tree that was IN the house (between the living room & kitchen) in the Twilight movie?
  • Emmett discovers hair gel in this movie
  • Alice is sickly sweet in this movie i want to slap her
  • Wolf thing.....(I was expecting this) But WTF? it was hard as fuck to digest....SIL "Oh my gowd this is trippy, I need to be high to follow this" Then the wolves talk....I am LMAO SIL: OPTIMUS PRIME??!!!!!!! Me....i shat myself laughing, because I didnt not tell her about our reviews....
  • Jake was a bit bad ass I will say...even with his questionable acting I liked that he was being BOSS
  • Bella looks so icky....extra icky...
  • When it is suggested that Bella drinks the blood... SIL " is it True Blood?" Me: "Yes...Eric & Snookie brought some over to help Bella"... SIL "It would have been better if Snookie to serve it to Bella on a tray"
  • Bella should have Beer Bonged the blood... it would have been a cooler effect
  • Carlizzle what did they do to you?
  • Ok the part where Edwards hears the didn't grab me in the book..and it didn't grab me again...i mean seriously...the baby has a vocabulary in utero ? no. But I was glad to see Edward and Bella lighten the fuck up and giggle on the couch.....then I feel bad for Jacob....again.....
  • The Charlie phone call was sad, and not believable.... what happened to the "ill hunt you down" Chuck?  SIL: "What no caller id?" Me: Chuck's phone is old SIL Bella used *67
  • Switzerland? really? Cant travel to the US but you can go to Switzerland?
  • Twilight score plays again
  • Wolf Leah was annoying.......way to much imprinting talk...i mean why don't they just come out and say Jake will imprint on the baby...
  • BABY NAME--- Everyone but Bella hates the was written all over Jake and Edward's face...Edward was just to pussy to say they were stupid...I saw his smirk...then he LIES and says its beautiful. I had to yell out "EDWARD YOU ARE A LYING LIAR, Stupidest Name EVER" and since when does Jake get a say? He hates the fucking Demon Baby
  • Angry Edward FTW!! (then again he leaves her laying there...)
  • Oh and why are the medical machines going off and beeping when there is nothing hooked up to Bella?
  • BIRTH SCENE!!!! What I've been waiting for........
  • I was not at all bothered by the horror involved in it. I actually pictured it this way. Then we get to the part....NOM NOM VAMP BABY NOM!!! SIL was all "what the fuck is he doing!?" I say "HE HAS TO EAT IT OUT. SIL: WHAT? ME: HE HAS TO EAT IT OUT, THE BABY, BITE THE SAC, ITS HARD .... SIL: WHAT THE FUCK KINDA SHIT IS THIS?! (LAUGHING)
  • Daddyward did nothing for me, not so sexy with plecenta on his face...I was like yeah yeah baby yeah.
  • Then Bella dies or some shit and it was heart breaking seeing Jake, then Edward trying to save her. You could tell it was a dummy they were working on...Rob rocked the shit out of that scene
  • When Jake goes outside to cry for Bella, my heart hurt....
  • Imprinting- the baby's face was weird as fuck...i was all Ewwwwwwww. They tried with the scene, i mean not much you can do with that fuckery... I thought it was stupid Edward was so blah about Jake imprinting on his kid..... he was like yeah yeah you can't kill her...Jake imprinted blah blah blah
  • Wolf fight was stupid and pointless, and you couldn't see it
  • Bella changing...was just ok, i mean we've see it before...I did like her flashbacks, that was a good touch, BUT did she not have a life between the age of 7-17 ? it was all Edward Edward Edward (she's only known Edward for maybe 2 years) then it went to her being a 7 year old then a baby..... boooooo!
  • So Bella has changed...I liked what they did there....BUT as she is laying there in her ugly blue dress (shame on you Alice), WHY NOT CLOSE HER LEGS?? The Cullens don't want to see her Cookernanny AND why make her look more flawless then the rest of the Vamps?? ALSO When you become a Vamp you get automatic make up and lash extensions?
  • Her eyes open BA-BAM! Red eyes! This movie ending was very predictable.

In conclusion: I went into the movie with low expectations because the book was bad, i was not expecting the movie to be any better. I actually liked the movie better because it cut out all kinds of stupid shit from the book....I hate book Jake, but love Movie Jake always have, so that right there was better.... Rob did the best he could with what he was handed with. KS well you cant expect much from her either...her facial expressions are horrid...there was less mouth breathing so that was good...I laughed more that I think what was meant for. EDWARD'S CLOTHES WERE HORRIFIC!!! THEY WERE BAD! COWL NECK SWEATER??? NO! AND THAT STRIPED POLO? NO.  Do I hate the movie? NO. Do I love it? NO. Was it better than the book? YES. Better than Eclipse? Yes. New Moon? No. Twilight? No.
I will give it 3 stars, because of the blood, Angryward, wife beater & boxers Edward, Emmett carrying a log, Jacob's scruff, sticking by the book and the laughs...intentional or non intentional.
IMO- Rob saved this movie.  If it was not for my Rob love, I would have never watched it.

The End


  1. Nice, I'm gonna watch on friday. Only to see Rob speaking portuguese.

  2. Love the break down of BD, lot of LOL's

  3. I was laughing so hard at this review but right on... omg the part where your friend said "Optimus Prime" bahaha couldn't contain the laugh, and spot on the fact that how come becoming a vampire gives you make up lol

  4. I literally and I mean LITERALLY PMSL reading this (TMI right?). BB, your review is spot on & ITA with the DesperateWard scene - Rob totally rocked that scene. Best in the movie. The fear and panic and the way his voice cracked, THAT scene made me shed a tear. Showed what a good actor he is.

    Sounds like you & your SIL had a great time. You should have written the script hon, the movie would have been a WHOLE lot better!!