Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Let's Talk about this Asshole: Crazy Twilight Fan Antics

Everyone who really knows me knows that have been a fan of Twilight for the past 3 years.  But as of late I've been in danger of getting my Twilight Card revoked.  I am OK with that. (just don't think about touching my Rob Pattinson Card or I might drop kick you)  As I said a few posts back I am just over it.  The fandom is out of fucking control and quite frankly, although I could give 2 fucks what people think of me as, I don't want to be labeled a Crazy Twilight Fan....is it to late for that...you might think so, BUT if you only knew what a legit Crazy Twilight Fan really is, you would think I am mild at best.  Just when you think things could not get any worse in the Twilight world, this asshole proves us wrong......

Illinois Teenager Blames DUI Crash On Not Seeing 'Twilight' Film: Police Arrest Olivia Ornelas

Thousands of dedicated fans turned out over the weekend to see "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1." But for one teenage girl, the tragedy of not making it was a lot worse than choosing between Jacob or Edward.

Police in Illinois arrested an "extremely upset" 18-year-old girl on Saturday after she told authorities that she crashed her car because her boyfriend did not take her to see the new Twilight movie.

Cops found Olivia Christina Ornelas "extremely intoxicated" and after discovering her car, missing the front right tire and spun out in a ditch off Route 71, the Chicago Sun-Times reports.

"Ornelas advised that she was extremely upset with her boyfriend because she did not see the movie Twilight like they were supped to," according to a Kendall County police report obtained by The Smoking Gun.

The film grossed an estimated $140 million over its opening weekend.

Ornelas is charged with driving under the influence and unlawful consumption of alcohol by a minor. Authorities released her after she posted $300 bond.

I have things to say about this:
  1. What. An. Asshole.
  2. Any reason why this dumb ass could not go herself?
  3. A TRUE Twilight fan would have went with or with out the boyfriend.
  4. I cannot blame the boyfriend for not wanting to see this fuckery, Kristen Stewart Sux
  5. Honey, you need help if you crash your car over this.
  6. Finally and most important: WHY THE FUCK DID THIS ARTICLE FIND IT NECESSARY TO TELL US HOW MUCH THE FILM GROSSED OVER THE WEEKEND?? I mean is it because if this boyfriend would have sucked it up and sat through his girlfriend drooling over Edward and Jacob the total amount the move would have made was $140 million and 20 dollars?
I just can't with this shit.  Now you have an idea of what a legit Crazy Twilight Fan is like.  I have stories, allot of them. Here is a teeny, tiny sliver, 1 grain of sand on the earth sample of more crazies:

Thank you @Lizbethann11 for this fuckery.

Monday, November 21, 2011

A Break Down of Breaking Dawn the movie part 1

Here goes nothing My Movie Review for Breaking Dawn Part 1
Where: Williamsburg, Va (wknd w/ SIL)
When: Saturday 11/19 10:30pm
Who: SIL wanted to go with me since I know the Saga. SIL has only read Twilight, and watched the first 3 movies
Other: only 20 other people in the theatre (I counted)
I am 3 beers and one shot in, have a sweet buzz going on, (review subject to change when i see it sober)
I totally took notes as I watched the movie
My SIL's comments were as funny as the movie so I will have to include them.

  • Wedding Invites go out: Renee had no idea about the wedding until she got the invite? I thought Bella's mom was her bff4eva? Poor Jacob, I was sad for him also...he is so upset he must....... run....shirtless in the rain....... and wolf out.
  • 1st Bella scene her walking in the heels..how the fuck is that going to work on the grass? Those skinny heels will be sinking into the ground.  
  • Bella has a wrist brace on ?
  • i like Alice's hair
  • Bella/KS teeth were a huge distraction the whole movie and I know why....she borrowed Taylor's teeth whitening system...they were so white, and out of place it made them look extra huge....
  • Bella's bedroom: why is there a painting of a dog on her night stand? Will she be taking the Wolf painting with her, to put in her & Edward's house?
  • In comes Edward to say goodnight.."oh by the way Bella, before we get married in a few hours, even though I've had years to tell you the details, I need you to know I killed people, allot of people, they were bad, but I'm still a killer and it was wrong. Bella: "Oh no worries Edward you killed people? I already knew that, remember you told me in the first movie? They were bad people so what eva I need to get laid so Ill pretend that this is a convo about socks, disregard it and still marry you. Edward : /
  • Nightmare- The wedding dress, sans the blood, and the suit Edward wore were soooo much better than the actual
  • Wedding day: The graduation caps made me giggle- but it was visibly different than the one hanging in Twilight.
  • mom and dad give Bella they beautiful comb for her hair....DONT FORGET TO PURCHSE YOUR COMB AT HOT TOPIC FOR 29.00
  • Chuck's (Charlie) bow tie was huge looking...like a clown size. Chuck was great
  • Bella walking down the isle.... SIL: "Whats wrong with her?" Me: "I think she has to poop" OMG that scene was horrible, KS did a shit (no pun) job on facials....she seriously looked like her irritable bowl syndrome was acting up
  • WTF is wrong with Edwards hair? Makeup? Suit? it was just not good at all.
  • Bella's dress.....like i said, i liked the dress in the dream...this one was just...I liked the shape of it, the material, but I did not like the sleeves, the front, the back reminded me of something an Ice Skater would wear.
  • Carlizzle, what did they do to you?
  • Jasper, nope....no stick removal, still looks like you have a stick up your B-hole
  • The vows... Edward should have told her "in sickness and in teeth" because her teeth were BA-BAM there
  • The wedding kiss. Ummmm really? Did the audio need to be so loud? Their kiss sounded like my dog cleaning her self...so i wanted to gag.
  • The wedding singer & band looked like the Mumford and Sons who didn't have access to razors..ever
  • Wedding Speeches: Chuck was Epic and so true.....Emmett funny as usual, Renee? was she drunk? He hair was a mess, it was funny. Jessica was good also. Then Edward's speech...he seemed drunk too....wtf is wrong with Edward's hair at the reception??
  • The Alaska coven...wtf was up with their eyes? They were creepy as fuck and so out of place.
  • Poor Jacob, it sucked that Bella was more happy to see Jacob then she was during the whole reception.(KS has chemistry with Taylor, not Rob period)  SIL about Taycob: "ohh he looks like he smells good, like he is just a good smelling man". Me: "Yes and I love the scruff"
  • I liked the twilight score from the 1st movie playing in the back ground
  • Leaving for the honeymoon a few things: Bella has no issues in heels now? Renee is a drunk mama and her hair just kills me. Chuck just needs a hug guys! Then I think that Bella's irritable bowl syndrome is coming back...i mean she looked like she has 2nd thoughts on this wedding...it was your idea Bella! Suck it up bitch!
  • Then you hear Jacob howling in the woods as they are driving to the airport....awkward
  • If you didn't read the book you don't really know they are going to Isle Esme..you think they are in Rio the whole time (did they mention this in the movie?)
  • During Bella's human minute (hour): why so nervous Bella? It was you who wanted to get your bang on for a while now, don't be scared now..and why are you shaving?
  • Me: Can they do it already, I have got to pee!
  • SIL: OMG: why are they swimming first I have got to pee!!
  • Sex scene...... Broken headboard....SIL "Woah...what the hell?!"
  • End Sex scene. SIL "That was it?"
  • Wake up to destruction.... Our reactions: ummm .... wow wtf? a bit dramatic for 2 virgins?
  • SIL "why are there feathers all over?" Me: "Apparently Edward is a Pillow Biter" SIL- : /
  • Bathroom scene..I like the flash backs Bella is having thinking of the sex...that is very realistic. Then Bella and Edward sees the bruises...Bella is all I'm ok... SIL says Bella is in pain denial. Edward is OMG I'm a Monster...then leaves her standing in the bathroom.....Good one Edward...Bang her and Bruise her then leave her....
  • We see Bella putting on the nightie trying to be sexy... Edward is all HAA HAA HAA HAA NO BITCH..... (even though that was a funny reaction) Edward is totes dissing his lady love like a college student.....
  • BATHROOM BREAK FOR ME AND SIL..........................
  • The room cleaners are funny...the cleaning guy is like wow these dirty fuckers..peace out
  • Edward speaking another language is HOT
  • Bella cooks some chicken....gets sick.....sees tampons......(btw I was looking for Ellen in the bath tub) how long has it been Bella asks...14 days.....oh shit I'm preggers....this is figured out in what 1 minute ? ummmm that is believable...rolls eyes..... SIL "what the hell is this all about?"
  • Did someone watch True Blood between Eclipse & BD....because all of a sudden the Vampire Speed is different...again
  • Edward: Were leaving...and you're not having the thing..... Bella...Fuck you....
  • Car ride to the airport Me: What did Edward just say to Bella? SIL: Bella you're a dirty whore
  • Back home: SIL "damn how long has it been? why is she so big?"
  • Jacob sees Bella and says his famous words to Edward " YOU DID THIS" Hey Jake it takes two to tango, and your sweet little Bella had plans of her own......
  • Jake sees her and is like well Peace out Bitch....let me know when she dies Edward..ok bye
  • Question: Where is the tree that was IN the house (between the living room & kitchen) in the Twilight movie?
  • Emmett discovers hair gel in this movie
  • Alice is sickly sweet in this movie i want to slap her
  • Wolf thing.....(I was expecting this) But WTF? it was hard as fuck to digest....SIL "Oh my gowd this is trippy, I need to be high to follow this" Then the wolves talk....I am LMAO SIL: OPTIMUS PRIME??!!!!!!! Me....i shat myself laughing, because I didnt not tell her about our reviews....
  • Jake was a bit bad ass I will say...even with his questionable acting I liked that he was being BOSS
  • Bella looks so icky....extra icky...
  • When it is suggested that Bella drinks the blood... SIL " is it True Blood?" Me: "Yes...Eric & Snookie brought some over to help Bella"... SIL "It would have been better if Snookie to serve it to Bella on a tray"
  • Bella should have Beer Bonged the blood... it would have been a cooler effect
  • Carlizzle what did they do to you?
  • Ok the part where Edwards hears the baby...it didn't grab me in the book..and it didn't grab me again...i mean seriously...the baby has a vocabulary in utero ? no. But I was glad to see Edward and Bella lighten the fuck up and giggle on the couch.....then I feel bad for Jacob....again.....
  • The Charlie phone call was sad, and not believable.... what happened to the "ill hunt you down" Chuck?  SIL: "What no caller id?" Me: Chuck's phone is old SIL Bella used *67
  • Switzerland? really? Cant travel to the US but you can go to Switzerland?
  • Twilight score plays again
  • Wolf Leah was annoying.......way to much imprinting talk...i mean why don't they just come out and say Jake will imprint on the baby...
  • BABY NAME--- Everyone but Bella hates the names...it was written all over Jake and Edward's face...Edward was just to pussy to say they were stupid...I saw his smirk...then he LIES and says its beautiful. I had to yell out "EDWARD YOU ARE A LYING LIAR, Stupidest Name EVER" and since when does Jake get a say? He hates the fucking Demon Baby
  • Angry Edward FTW!! (then again he leaves her laying there...)
  • Oh and why are the medical machines going off and beeping when there is nothing hooked up to Bella?
  • BIRTH SCENE!!!! What I've been waiting for........
  • I was not at all bothered by the horror involved in it. I actually pictured it this way. Then we get to the part....NOM NOM VAMP BABY NOM!!! SIL was all "what the fuck is he doing!?" I say "HE HAS TO EAT IT OUT. SIL: WHAT? ME: HE HAS TO EAT IT OUT, THE BABY, BITE THE SAC, ITS HARD .... SIL: WHAT THE FUCK KINDA SHIT IS THIS?! (LAUGHING)
  • Daddyward did nothing for me, not so sexy with plecenta on his face...I was like yeah yeah baby yeah.
  • Then Bella dies or some shit and it was heart breaking seeing Jake, then Edward trying to save her. You could tell it was a dummy they were working on...Rob rocked the shit out of that scene
  • When Jake goes outside to cry for Bella, my heart hurt....
  • Imprinting- the baby's face was weird as fuck...i was all Ewwwwwwww. They tried with the scene, i mean not much you can do with that fuckery... I thought it was stupid Edward was so blah about Jake imprinting on his kid..... he was like yeah yeah you can't kill her...Jake imprinted blah blah blah
  • Wolf fight was stupid and pointless, and you couldn't see it
  • Bella changing...was just ok, i mean we've see it before...I did like her flashbacks, that was a good touch, BUT did she not have a life between the age of 7-17 ? it was all Edward Edward Edward (she's only known Edward for maybe 2 years) then it went to her being a 7 year old then a baby..... boooooo!
  • So Bella has changed...I liked what they did there....BUT as she is laying there in her ugly blue dress (shame on you Alice), WHY NOT CLOSE HER LEGS?? The Cullens don't want to see her Cookernanny AND why make her look more flawless then the rest of the Vamps?? ALSO When you become a Vamp you get automatic make up and lash extensions?
  • Her eyes open BA-BAM! Red eyes! This movie ending was very predictable.

In conclusion: I went into the movie with low expectations because the book was bad, i was not expecting the movie to be any better. I actually liked the movie better because it cut out all kinds of stupid shit from the book....I hate book Jake, but love Movie Jake always have, so that right there was better.... Rob did the best he could with what he was handed with. KS well you cant expect much from her either...her facial expressions are horrid...there was less mouth breathing so that was good...I laughed more that I think what was meant for. EDWARD'S CLOTHES WERE HORRIFIC!!! THEY WERE BAD! COWL NECK SWEATER??? NO! AND THAT STRIPED POLO? NO.  Do I hate the movie? NO. Do I love it? NO. Was it better than the book? YES. Better than Eclipse? Yes. New Moon? No. Twilight? No.
I will give it 3 stars, because of the blood, Angryward, wife beater & boxers Edward, Emmett carrying a log, Jacob's scruff, sticking by the book and the laughs...intentional or non intentional.
IMO- Rob saved this movie.  If it was not for my Rob love, I would have never watched it.

The End

Friday, November 18, 2011

The Reviews are in: Breaking Dawn the Epic Clusterfuckery part 1

Good morning everyone.  I was not even going to post today, I was not even going to post anything about Breaking Dawn until I saw it myself.  The the shit storm that I woke up to this morning is just to epic not to share.  I was a bit late to work because I was reading all the reviews from friends that went to the midnight showing.  I was laughing my ass off, i was a tad shocked, because the person that I thought woulds like it a little bit, raged out a bit HAHA.  After reading these texts & emails this makes me want to see the movie ASAP...on bootleg.  So let me share some of the thoughts form my friends, Twilight fans....on how Breaking Dawn was just.....  just read.....
  • I can't even......
  • WTF? Rob is lucky he is sexy and I love him
  • Man that was funny
  • I left during the birth scene to puke, no lie
  • I kept my eyes shut, that shit was nauseating
  • We did more laughing than anything, i was snorting
  • good thing Plumcrazyyy didn't go she'd be bullshit
  • I am still in shock
  • To much jammed in that movie
  • the few sweet parts were over shadowed by the cheesy, corny, stupid shit
  • I cant wait for Plumcrazyyy's commentary
  • The Cullens looked bloated
  • K Stewart plays a great dead person
  • I cannot believe this was released to the public
  • I have no desire to see this again
  • I wanted to like it but I am still WTFBBQ
  • ...stupid vampire who didn't think to use a condom..
  • The first 3 [Twilight Movies] deserve Academy Awards compared to this one
Apparently there is an Epic fail of a wolf scene that these girls tore to bits after the laughter stopped
  • The fucking wolves talked like they were in a transformer movie
  • Wolf scene?? Sam [head wolf] sounded like Darth Vader.  The whole scene was just.........
  • cringe worthy especially the wolf parts
  • Taylor over acted
That's enough for now.  But like I said yesterday with the book being balls we can expect the movie to me that good...I cant stop laughing.  I'll be back with my thoughts on it all when I get around to seeing it.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Nom Nom Vamp Baby Nom: Breaking Dawn, the Fail Boat of Epic Clusterfuckery

As you may know by now I am a fan of the Twilight Saga.  However over the past year and a half my love for it has faded a bit.  There is only so much of it that you can take.  Its been dragged out for so long my interest is just 'eh'.  Now I am still a huge Rob Pattinson fan, my love for him will last a while.
So the first half of the last book in the series Breaking Dawn movie comes out tonight at midnight.  You will be surprised to know that I will not be attending this midnight showing.  After Eclipse I told myself no more midnight movies, its just not worth the butt ache for an ok movie.  Shoot I don't know if I'm even going to run out and see it soon either. The Breaking Dawn book, while reading it well it was disappointing.  Out of the 600+ pages of that book I can honestly say that I only enjoyed about 5 or 6 scenes.  The book was balls.  I can go on about my book review but I won't that is a post by itself.  With my dislike of the book, and my not so great review of the last movie Eclipse, excitement for the Breaking Dawn movie is just not there.
First and foremost, why the fuck they thought this book was a good idea to be a TWO PART MOVIE, is beyond me.  I just don't understand that what so ever.  I mean for the integrity of the story there was no need for it to be drawn out to 2 movies, none what so ever.  I know why they did it, 1. to compete with Harry Potter, (and don't get me started on that, lets just say there is no competition there.)  2. Money  3. Relevance.  We all know that the production company that is in cahoots with the saga, was not well known at all before this. Twilight has made them tons and tons and tons of money.  We all know that money makes the world go 'round, especially in Hollywood so there you have it, they had to drag this thing out for the money, to stay relevant for another year because lets face it this productions company will never experience this again. Period.
OK lets move on...as for the books, I loved Twilight tons, liked New Moon a lot (after the 2nd reading), and loved loved loved Eclipse. I already said Breaking Dawn was balls.   The movies: I loved loved Twilight, loved New Moon, and only kinda liked Eclipse a little (i can only pick out parts that i liked) it was a major let down seeing how I loved the book a ton.
When reading Breaking Dawn I only liked a few parts.  There was more WTFs going on, and boredom for most of the book. This is what I liked form the books:
1. Edward and Bella's wedding
2. Jacob & Rosalie's on going spats
3. Bella waking up a vamp
4. Bella showing her strength with Emmet arm wrestling and breaking rocks
5. Bella lifting her shield so that  Edward could read her mind
Yep that's it.  The book sucked, the main things I could not stand was the fade to Black sex scene, after allllllll that time waiting we get nothing! Edward turning into a pussy.  The wretched creepy hybrid baby. The big vamp war that never was. Bella getting every little tiny thing she wanted..that was just too perfect and unrealistic.

As for the movie I am thinking that the first half will be happy sparkly sunny rainbows.  That is fine with me, but with Kristen Stewart as Bella, I see it being a forced fake happy, she just does nothing for me what so ever and turning Bella butch well no, just no.  Then a pussy Edward? I hope not, I need my Edward to be fierce and if they make that change for the movie I will be game for that. Rob Pattinson has this Edward roll down, I'm sure he will play the part nice, even if the lines are cringe worthy. What I am most looking forward to is...no not the wedding, not the honeymoon nope.  The birth scene.  I love when people who haven't read the books learn of the birth scene.  Lets just say since they baby is half vamp its not normal pregnancy or delivery its not going to be pretty and it will be horrid.  I. Can't. Wait.  Nom nom vamp baby nom.
Ill return at some point with my movie review.